The Pigs in the Band

"The Pigs in the Band"

Unfortunately a lot of musicians still run into this kind of mentality. When will it ever end? Some people who hire musicians have got their heads stuck firmly in Bohemia, and trust me, most of the working bands do NOT choose to live their lives in cheerful and optional poverty for the sake of their art!!!!
I sent this (as a joke) to one of my contemporary pop bands who are doing a wedding for me on Friday. I assumed that they would see the humour. Unfortunately, they had spent a good few hours trawling the internet to try to accommodate this request. I was not popular. Hehehe.

Dear Band Leader:

We look forward to your performance at our daughter's wedding.
If you don't mind, we would like to request a few of our favorite
songs. Please play these during the reception:

A Keith Jarrett composition from his solo series. Please
arrange it for full ensemble in the key of B but nothing in 4/4 please.

Mahavishnu Orchestra, "Dance of the Maya" and please have the
guitarist play John McLaughlin's solo from the live performance Nov.
16, 1972 at Chrysler Arena. My wife and I were at that show and we
liked his use of polyrhythms.

One of John Coltrane's duets with Pharaoh Sanders. Our guests
love high register tenor saxes.

We thought a little Stravinsky right after the toast would be
nice. So please play "The Rite of Spring." We like a tempo of about
1/4 note = 93 and transpose it down 3 half-steps - it will be so
much more appropriate for this occasion in the slightly lower register.

Then for the candle lighting ceremony, please play Frank
Zappa's "The Grand Wazoo." The original key of B flat, would be fine
but my cousin Jeannie would like to sing the baritone sax solo in
the key of D - she has kind of a high voice.

When my new son-in-law takes off the garter, please just a
little of Varese's "Ionization." It's such a funny piece, we think
it would go over real well. Much better than "The Stripper."

And for the bride &groom's first dance, please slow things down
a bit by doing Barber's "Adagio For Strings." It's so much better
than "We've Only Just Begun" or the "Anniversary Waltz."

When my wife and I join in the first dance, could you segue to
Thelonius Monk's "Ruby, My Dear" - it's in honor of my wife's
grandmother whose name was Ruby. It would mean so much to the family.

Thanks for all your help. Depending on the outcome we'll
certainly be happy to recommend your band to our friends.

We'll have your check for the fee of $250 (minus our expenses in
contacting you of $12.50) by the end of next month: we're a little
short as the young lady doing the balloon arch wanted her $1,850 in
advance and the DJ had to be paid up front his $2,500 as normal.

Our daughter assured us that your love of music was greater
than your need for money, and that you would welcome the exposure
you would get from playing this wedding.

Before you leave, please feel free to ask the caterer for a
snack sandwich and a soda (the bottles are returnable or you can pay
the deposit to the butler).

Please use the back entrance to avoid disturbing the guests. We
hope you and your musician friends have an enjoyable time.

Lol - this would be funny if it weren't so true!